Rambling

Being a mother is hard! All my life I dreamed of being a mother. I dreamt of playing with my child all day everyday, me being happy 24/7, my baby being happy 21/7, my baby sleeping well, eating well, and loving life. When my older sister had her daughter, Jen played with her, loved her, and was/is a wonderful mother. Lucy started sleeping through the night early on and was/is a good kid. I knew my child was going to be just like that. I couldn't wait. Well, things never turn out how we dream or plan for. My baby is way different, and many times I feel like a horrible mother who can't comfort her own baby, or who can't control him enough to sleep through the night. He hasn't been on any certain "schedule" and we just take it hour by hour. Over several days, with much council from my sister and blogs, I have come to really realize, all babies are different! Not all of them "go by the book." For a long while, Tanner was sick and that threw off everything that we had been doing. He use to be way easy, Eating, Activity, Sleeping, You time (easy schedule). Once he got sick though and having medicine and visiting the doctors way more than necessary, things just got crazy. He was way more cranky all day, cried/screamed throughout the day, and would eat around the clock! While we worked with this for several months, it has begun to take a toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually, romantically... it has not been easy. Jesse and I know he can do a pattern, but already being 5months old, we knew it would be harder to try and start. I was just beginning to accept that he is a difficult baby - or a high needs baby - and would need our constant attention 24/7. Jesse and I got talking though, and decided this was not good for us. I just wanted him to accept that we have a hard baby too, but after talking for a little while, we decided to try the "crying method" for three days. Instead of just feeding Tanner at the sound of cries, or feeding him everyday two hours, literally, all day, we would let him cry it out and soothe himself. Before, he would wake up at night at 10:30, 11:30, 12:30, 2:00, 5:30, and then wake up for the day at 6:30. Each of these waking he would eat 2 or so oz. I did night duties, because Jesse is working so hard at his internships and already gets up early to go, so I figure I can do night shifts, because I can take a nap the next day. Even with naps, these constant feedings are wearing on me. Then, throughout the day, he would only eat an oz or 2 here and there and only eat a good 3oz to put him to sleep. This makes his body thing that food puts him to sleep, so that is why he screams in the middle of the night when he wakes up because his body thinks he needs food to sleep. So yesterday, Jesse and I decided to do the cry method. For his naps yesterday, we just let him cry himself to sleep instead of drinking an oz of milk. It took him 1 hour, but he finally took a nap. Last night, he woke up at 10:50. I decided to give him one late night feeding, since he had eaten much earlier. He drank 4 oz and was out. But then he wok up at 12:50. I wasn't going to feed him again, even though in the past I had. I just let him cry. I would get up and check on him, give him his pacifier and explain what we were doing. He didn't get back to sleep until 2:08!! But, he slept until 7:45 this morning and when he woke up, he ate a good 4 oz. He played happily, and then he started getting cranky. So I put him down for a nap, without any food. He cried for only about 20 minutes and has been sleeping for an hour now! I think we can help his little body, plus help me!! :) Two more days. I'm confident it will work. If not, we will officially accept the fact that our child is a high needs child and needs a lot of extra attention. No matter what though, we love Tanner so much and he truly brings such joy into our lives!!