My Motherhood

It's 1:50 a.m. on Wednesday, September 26th. Tanner is 7 1/2 months old, and I have just come to terms with motherhood, and what it's all about.
I've been up since 12:20 this morning, with my sweet Tanner, and have had some time to think. I have to preface this that yesterday, Tuesday, Tanner was up at 7, took an hour and a half nap at 9:30, then was up from 11 - 7:30. This kid is not a sleeper!
Growing up, imagining being a  mother was perfect - a happy baby 24/7, happy outings, a sleeping baby.... any imagination is perfect. When my sister had her first baby, and I saw how easily it "seemed" I was so excited to have a baby. My sisters baby was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, took good naps, ate well, and played well - she followed the EASY pattern so perfectly. As I read articles about babies and how to get on patterns and routines, I thought to myself "I can do this!"
When Tanner was born, he was jaundiced, and slept all the time. I liked it, and thought how easy this was. When he was about a month old, he started getting sick. It took doctors 2 months to figure out it was influenza and finally give him some antibiotics. During those 2 months, it was a nightmare. Sleepless nights, crying, pain, unanswered questions. I felt so bad for Tanner, and more, I felt so jealous of all those new moms I knew whose babies were happy, playful, sleepers. Tanner had to be held to sleep, or propped upright to sleep with pillows. It was not uncommon for him to wake up several times a night. During the summer, at one point for a few weeks, he was waking up every 40 minutes!! I cried.  A lot. Again, I was so jealous of other babies and there seemingly perfect patterns. I kept telling myself that by the time Tanner was 6 months old, it would pass and he would just start sleeping at night - that is what all the articles said and all my friends. Well, 6 months came, and 6 months has gone, and we are still up 2-4 times a night.
Until now, I have impatiently gotten out of bed to tend to Tanner. Getting up that many times at night, then going through a full day with an energized kid is exhausting. (I let Jesse sleep at night so he is well rested for work. He doesn't have to leave until 8:20, so at least I get to sleep in a little once Tanner wakes up for the morning). There have been many nights I want to squeeze Tanner a little tighter than I should. There have been nights I just want to ignore him and sleep through it all. There have been nights I question my skills as a mother. Until now, I haven't really grasped the whole idea of motherhood. But after 'yesterday' and this morning, it has hit me. I have been given full responsibility for this sweet boy who really belongs to my Heavenly Father. I promised I would take care of him, love him, nourish him, and raise him up. Until now, I haven't been doing that fully. Until now, I have been taking advantage of motherhood. I now understand, and appreciate, that mothers are tired, and I will be tired for many years. I now understand that mothers time are devoted to their children - less crafts and "me time" for me. I need to stop thinking about that one night I will be able to get away and sleep through the night. This is my life, motherhood, and now, more than ever, I love it. I understand all that comes with it and am proud to be trusted as a mother. Everyone tells me to not wish these times away, no matter how hard they hard, because I will miss it. I'm starting to take people on their word and enjoy these times, even the nights now. This is a new beginning to motherhood! I knew dedication to Tanner, my sweet baby boy!
And just for the record, it is now 2:30 a.m. and Tanner has finally fallen asleep, after having eaten, played, talked, for two hours. He is happily asleep in OUR bed. We're going to have a nice family slumber party this morning in bed. And I'm going to enjoy it and take it as it is. "For this too shall pass."